I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
