my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
