My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
