I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
