i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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