I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
