He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Rumble strips road head = magical
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
