At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
