he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
