I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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