I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just invented taco cereal.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
