I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
