Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
