Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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