I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
