I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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