Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
