I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
