My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
