You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
