and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
