So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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