so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
