Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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