It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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