She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
