I puked a lego.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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