i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
