Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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