Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Randomize
