I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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