When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
