I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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