so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
