I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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