just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
