apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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