you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
