if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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