youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
