I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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