I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
