I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
