I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
