I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
