i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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