bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
