I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
how drunk are you?
Several
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
