JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
