the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
