My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
