I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
